The Secretary of Education
Volunteered to be Drug Czar;
Since he hoped to lead the nation
First he'd lead the peace-time war.
When someone pointed out he smoked
Two packs of cigarettes a day,
He had to stop : It's not like coke,
But think of what the press might say.
Of course, he still enjoyed a drink,
(And nicotine, in chewing gum)
It's not the problem you might think
It's legal, so no harm is done.
How could anybody quarrel
With his stern philosophy?
Marijuana is immoral
Since it is a felony.
And why is it a felony?
It's a sin by definition,
A crime's a sin. Epiphany!
Ending sin became his mission.
The perfect circularity
Of his logic is amazing;
Did it provoke hilarity?
Instead, the press began to praise him.
Revelling in new-found fame,
He started widening his scope;
Responsibility's the name
Of what they need to get off dope.
Character's what really counts,
Family values have been lost;
Read the Sermon on the Mount
And do what's right at any cost.
Well, almost any he quit his job
In two years, pleading poverty
And then, at several grand a pop,
He preached his own morality.
He flogged his solemn Book of Virtue,
Trying out for President
With the slogan, I won't hurt you
If you're good; if not, repent.
In the world he advocates,
Such a Lord would rule the earth;
Alas, in our degenerate days,
We leave decisions to the serfs.
And no one wanted him as King;
They'd rather vote for legal drugs.
Humiliating? Not for him,
William Bennett's much too smug.