The Secretary of Education Volunteered to be Drug Czar; Since he hoped to lead the nation First he'd lead the peace-time war. When someone pointed out he smoked Two packs of cigarettes a day, He had to stop : It's not like coke, But think of what the press might say. Of course, he still enjoyed a drink, (And nicotine, in chewing gum) It's not the problem you might think – It's legal, so no harm is done. How could anybody quarrel With his stern philosophy? Marijuana is immoral Since it is a felony. And why is it a felony? It's a sin – by definition, A crime's a sin. Epiphany! Ending sin became his mission. The perfect circularity Of his logic is amazing; Did it provoke hilarity? Instead, the press began to praise him. Revelling in new-found fame, He started widening his scope; Responsibility's the name Of what they need to get off dope. Character's what really counts, Family values have been lost; Read the Sermon on the Mount And do what's right at any cost. Well, almost any – he quit his job In two years, pleading poverty And then, at several grand a pop, He preached his own morality. He flogged his solemn Book of Virtue, Trying out for President With the slogan, I won't hurt you If you're good; if not, repent. In the world he advocates, Such a Lord would rule the earth; Alas, in our degenerate days, We leave decisions to the serfs. And no one wanted him as King; They'd rather vote for legal drugs. Humiliating? Not for him, William Bennett's much too smug.